This is for all my black queens who have been disrespected by a person(s) who were not worthy of them.  I  also wrote this for my queens of other different races as well 🙂

To my beautiful black women and women of all colors and shades, I have loved you all since I began loving myself at the age of 16. And I will always will. I love you so I want to try to protect yall and I want and pray you will learn from mine and your experiences.

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I wrote this because I’m tired of being disrespected. Because I’m tired of being disrespected as being both black and a woman in America by CERTAIN black men. I AM TIRED OF HAVING MY EMOTIONS DEVALUED  BY PEOPLE WHO CLAIM THEY CARE FOR MY EMOTIONS AND REALLY DON’T.  

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Rules of Life

First: Don’t ever tolerate disrespect from anyone. No matter who that person or persons might be; Remember you are important of love and deserve to be respected nothing short of like a king or queen should be treated.

Second: Don’t allow anyone treat you any different from how you treat your own self. You should think of yourself in a high regard.Thus, treating yourself very highly.

Third: Don’t do wifey or husband shit, for a person that ain’t shit and not worth it either.

Fourth: You do not have to like me, but what you will do is respect me or I am not interacting with you.

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Dinner is best appreciated when it’s eaten at a dinner table not standing up or in a car while rushing off somewhere. Imagine your love  is being served on a silver platter; your love and your body is the meal of the night.

Now some people will accept your love and will not appreciate nor reciprocate  your selfless action. Remember ladies and my few men we must be selective with whom we share ourselves with because there are some people in our lives

who do not even deserve to be in our lives nor do they deserve to be recipients of your love.  They do not even deserve at seat at your table (table = your life)

I want yall to keep in mind if you yourself are going through a similar  situation that I had faced today I want you to know that you should never settle just to only get half the love you give out to anyone – meaning your family members, your partners, your coworkers EVERY FUCKING BODY. Remember true love is patient and it will wait for you, it will not rush you, it will create a space for you to grow safely and securely. TRUE LOVE secures us and rids us of all our doubts and helps ease our fears. TRUE LOVE doesn’t create doubt or insecurity.  Remember:

the love you deserve will always make its way around to you. be patient.- Reyna Biddy

Cause a lot of you are in relationships that are actually situationships and are accepting love that doesn’t rejuvenate you and  doesn’t feeds your soul. It’s like going into a desert with no water. You seek nutriment and love but don’t receive and die.

I feel sad for y’all who are settling cause you deserve more, find yourself and love yourself not your partner.   But I’m not here to throw shade. I’m here to spread love. So listen up so you can bless up.

I wrote this in mind to the boy that tried to play me and another girl I know. I have a few words I would like to share with y’all that are intended for him :

Even though you do not know yet, that you have lost me and I know you will be sorry very soon. And by the end of this blog my emotions for you will subside and I will pass you like you Casper the Ghost on campus. I could have been the best thing you could of have had besides God and your family.

Cause I am that fucking great and you a cluck for tweaking ofn on me . (that’s some Chicago lingo for y’all).

As many of my followers on twitter know

(you can follow me too and let me know you  are reader of #naturalloveblog @CaitlinCakn)

that lately I have been creating a list of reminders of things I feel like I need to remind myself that I need. You can see the thread here. But I want to focus on a particular one :

reminding myself today and everyday I deserve the same love I so freely give away.💞”-(@CaitlinCakn)

I began talking to this dude because I felt like, (and still after all this bullshit I have been put through) I deserve love. Even after you hear this wild story I will still pursue love because I am amazing and I know my mate is out there waiting for me to learn, to love, to cry, so that when I meet them I know that they are the one and no games should be played with them.

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My lovely ladies  and men I got a question.  Why do some men and women say that they want a person that gon listen, they want someone that will care for them and love them unconditionally, and they want a person that can trust and wife …. and all that bullshit. But when they finally get what they been saying they want SOO BADLY they mess up and do not accept  they blessings????!!! Like what type of shit is  that.  When this happened to me I was like:img_7017

 WHY would anyone pray so hard  for a blessing that comes to them and they do not accept it??

Now guys I understand that some people who cannot accept their blessings they may be going through certain situations that make them incapable to accept their blessings. Like for one people being not mentally stable to support their friends or partner for that matter in the way in which the persons want them to.

But come on man it’s like someone working 60+ hours a week for two weeks straight and pay day comes around and they tell their boss, ‘oh you can keep my check I do not want/need it.’ 😦

To the person I wanted to love I say this: I forgive you for not being the person I thought I wanted you to be, for me. I wanted you to be my go-to person besides God, I wanted to love you and trust you. But God spoke to me and told me you were not the one for me and showed me signs that you were not the one for me; signs that I blatantly ignored because I wanted you to be my lil baby :(.

But you ain’t worth shit nor a fuck to give.

I wanted to love you and be in love. ( That is the crazy thing about loving someone it almost makes you go insane cause we all become so open and vulnerable from it.) I will write soon on a blog post about what love does to me personally and some of my friends and how we can lose ourselves trying to chase or find someone to love and accept us)

“god disrupts your entire life to talk to you”.-(@overlyxclusive)

Anyways……But I forgive you for hurting me for the following five reasons:

1.   I want to  forgive  you because, “… i love myself. i deserve peace— because in the end even the prison guard is still in prison.”- (@krissybad1)

2.   Cause if it were not for  you  hurting me I would not have begun learning the following lesson, :

In order to grow one must experience pain

It’s just like that teeth that would grow in the back of your mouth that would cause you pain,  but needed to come out so your adult teeth could come up.

3. You showed me your true colors. You showed me that you do not care about me; even though that is my own fault because I tried to become color blind when I saw your true colors. Like Maya A. said …

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

4. Cause karma is real and God is also real and is the only who can judge. So I will leave God to do his job on your ass and everyone else that is just like you.

5. You ain’t never had a real one like my ass come into your life. So you ain’t know how to act so you lost me before you could even secure me.

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Now I know what y’all might be thinking why is she telling me all this and you might just be reading this blog cause u wanna be up in my business and in my bag, (I mean who would not want to, I’m too blessed.) ( I’m not arrogant I’m confident there is a different, get to know it.)

I want to be vulnerable and be real with you guys because what happened to me is very common and will probably happen to everyone AT LEAST once in their lifetime.

Basically, I began talking with a dude who had liked me for a little bit more than 5 months now and I was not giving him the time of day cause I said I always wanted to focus on myself and not anyone else.

sidenote:SELF LOVE IS KEY Y’ALL WITH IT Y’ALL WILL KNOW WHO IS FOR YOU AND WHO IS NOT.

Anyways…. but then probably like 3 weeks ago I began to develop some particular emotions for this person. I had made a tweet saying:

“I’m trying to make my lil baby who don’t know they my lil baby my lil baby 😅💘💘” https://twitter.com/CaitlinCakn/status/845111975025819649

And I few days ago as the thread lists I shot my shot and it hit. And because I know a quite few stories will be circulating  campus about my business (cause you hoes are lonely and do not  got a life 🙂 ) Basically, I experienced my first kiss with this dude.  I know what y’all thinking how can you be 19 without kissing someone. My answer is : self-respect, I just don’t  just allow any one to enter MY PERSONAL SPACE. This my space and I will choose MYSELF who I allow in that space.)

BE SELECTIVE WITH WHOM YOU ALLOW IN YOUR SPACE YOU ARE SPECIAL AND WORTH MORE THAN GOLD.

Y’all need to understand that, I have respect for myself, my morals/values, my body and my mind.  And if you try to slander or disrespect either one of those things, you are better off dead g honestly; don’t ever fucking try me cause you will get what you are asking for. 🙂 (NOW I’M TALKING ABOUT ME AND NOBODY ELSE HERE DON’T MAKE ANY ASSUMPTIONS THAT I AM TRYING TO BOOST MYSELF UP TO PUSH OTHERS DOWN (CAUSE IF YOU REALLY KNOW ME YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER))

Aye (also shoutout to shorty who made me go and make me feel this way or else I would not have made this blog post. )

To the weak ass dude, who hurt me you knew I was wifey material ( just like you knew in this text you sent me months back), but you would  not do any real action to keep me.

I supported you like I do my own flesh and blood and bought you  little things because I wanted you to have them. I wanted to see you grow and prosper.

I still care for you even though you fucked me over by playing me.

I still want to see you prosper just not with me.

“She finally gets to a point where shes all in…. And girls can attest to this… They become your BIGGEST FAN. The support is unreal.”-(@KiranADavid)

Cause I can choose anyone  I want to kiss me 🤷🏽‍♀️.You have to offer me more than the physical for me. Those other girls might have just been satisfied with your physical but I’m not.Im not them.
Work harder. Work harder to earn me. 

Prove to me you are irreplaceable before your ass gets replaced.

its tragic honestly truly.

ALSO REMEMBER THAT I AM A WHAT  AGAIN….

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I want you guys to know when that the very next day after I shared this experience with this particular person I unfortunately discovered that this man was already involved with someone  and had no intention on telling me or her. (Rather if I knew her or not doesn’t matter to story.)  But, I will add it that I do know her and talk to her very frequently.

So, basically, this lil boy wanted me from the start but I was not going for the game he was trying to sell; so he went to someone who would buy it. Time passes and I begin to become interested in the game he is selling meanwhile unknowing to me and her he is already giving free copies out of the game to her.

Yesterday I had not heard from him and I was worried and I trusted my self and knew something was wrong when he texted me saying:

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He lied to me. He was knocked out alright but in a bed that did not belong to him since 7pm. He was in her bed and when he left her around 11:40 pm and then texted me the above message at 12:07 am.

( PLEASE BE MINDFUL: My goal is to be vulnerable with you guys and my emotions are valid and are important so I will not dismiss them nor omit them from this story.)

YOUR EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS MATTER IT IS OKAY NOT TO FEEL OKAY THIS IS HOW YOU LEARN YOURSELVES ON YOUR JOURNEYS )

I was paralyzed from the information I had learned about the person I was allowing into my personal space. I then became angry because I was vulnerable with someone who did not even deserve to know me or even look at me for the matter. I had assumed because we had liked one another, (and he has liked me much longer than I did), that there would be no games played and we would be open and candid with one another. BUT THE GAG IS NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE ME, so he was the exact opposite what I believed what he would be like. He was basically talking and doing certain sexual activities with another girl because she allowed him to do so, because I would not.( THIS WAS HER DECISION SHE IS FREE TO DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING SHE WANTS TO DO WITH HER BODY. So no this is not me throwing shade. his me being open about what happened to me)

You know the saying what you will not do or stand for someone else will.

Don’t be afraid to say no. Affirm what you believe to be true and right. And trust and love yourself.

I want this to be the lesson of:

Allow someone to actually  prove they are worthy of you   … worthy of YOUR time… YOUR mind …  YOUR thoughts… YOUR kindness… YOUR love. ALL OF THAT SHIT

cause remember you can’t make anyone care for you no matter how much you want them to and also note that people will lie when they  tell you : IMG_7529

be there for yourself. Don’t rely on anybody because they will let you down. Well are all imperfect. We all make mistakes.

I went wrong when I did not actually give him a chance to prove that he was worthy but instead just assume he was. 😦 It’s sad yes I know but I’m learning so I will never make this same mistake twice.

I then became sad and cried  only once because when I get angry I cry. So I was sad and angry at the same time. Then I became (and still am becoming) accepting of the information and inspired to write this blog. Because I’m making a ugly situation and hurtful situation into one where I can still grow and love from this.

I ALWAYS MAKE DIRT INTO GOLD with a little trust, patience, prayer and  love.

I want y’all to know its okay not to be okay. You are human so feel and accept the emotions you are feeling and don’t ever try to devalue yourself because you are of importance.

So that I can tell y’all that even though my first attempt at trying to accept the love I give out to others, for myself; That this experience is not a mistake nor fail.  Because I will allow this L to turn into a lesson and my pain will eventually go away. Because  look y’all pain makes people grow. And yes I am in pain because this entire ordeal is sickening.

At this time I would like to thank Pepto-Bismol for allowing me to focus on the creation of this  blog post. Cause you niggas make me sick to the point, that I have thrown up twice today. Cause you people are fucking nasty, that’s why all the real women will not mess with you. Get your life together.

PSA: Make sure you get tested at least once every month if you are sexually active. Atlanta’ s HIV rate is higher than any third world country.

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My ending message :

I am still reminding my self that

“..I am enough.”- @CaitlinCakn

Yes, I am upset and hurt by the actions created by this individual however, in due time I will be okay.

This is all apart of my process. This is all apart of my process of growing and I am thankful for God for giving me the signs to steer away from this individual in the first space.

I do not want you guys  to be afraid and scared to love like I have been for the past 10 years of my life. Cause living how I was and not accepting my blessings and love that I deserved hurt me more than he and anyone else ever could.

Remember,

I love y’all

to stay in your bag

to focus on you

to love yourself

and to spread love.

I will rise higher than I have ever been. Just watch me. 4236fb1703830061991f1b608cc5b5f7

“She was the kind of girlfriend God gives you young, so you’ll know the loss the rest of your life 💯💔”-Sayyora (@sayyoraink) https://twitter.com/sayyoraink/status/846456206721892352

And the biggest thank you to my best friend who has been on this trip with me as if she was here with me, Adryanna I love you and I always will. Thank you for loving me, accepting me, and never trying to change me.

I will be gone for a lil while. I need peace and clarity so bear with me. I will be back before you all know it. Love you guys! Take Care.

-Caitlin

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